Going to See Daddy

My name is Lisa Marie, I am 5 years old. My mother says I have cotton candy hair. She usually says that when she is mad at me or pulling my ponytails so tight my eyes look like the little girls that live down the street they eat with sticks. Those girls are amazing.

Right now I am getting ready to fly on an airplane to see my Daddy all by myself. I am going to wear my pink ruffle dress, black shiny shoes, with white and pink ruffle socks. My mother set my hair in squishy rollers so I can have curly hair. I love curly hair. I can’t even hardly wait to get on that plane. I wonder if my face will stretch and flatten because of the speed. I am not even tired either, because I didn’t sleep a wink. Like the time it was Christmas and I peeked at my presents. I thought Santa was going to give me those but I caught my mom and step Dad taking fake pictures of my step Dad in a Santa suit. My mom said “The jig is up, I guess I will just have to tell her the truth, I shot Santa in the butt a couple of years ago and I have been taking these pictures ever since.”I was crushed I tell you. I’m just the girl whose mom shot Santa. I am too old for that now anyway. I am going on an airplane to see my Daddy.

When we arrived at the airport my mother handed all my bags to a guy in a blue suit. I counted 7 of them. That sure is a lot of stuff for just the summer. We walk to a place called Gate B. Mom got me some pink bubble gum. I never get to chew gum because it always ends up in my hair and that’s when I hear mom say “You have cotton candy hair.

Now I hear a lady on the microphone say that all kids without companions get on the plane. But I have a companion her name is Kristy Cry Baby. She even has real tears. My mom doesn’t hear me tell her that because she is talking to a lady with short brown hair and white teeth. The lady leans down to me and asks if she could show me and my companion to our seats. The lady, Kristy and I wave good-bye to mom and walk down a long bouncy tunnel. Like the kind at the park on the jungle gym where I cut my hand open and bled like a stuffed pig my mom says. The lady shows me to my seat, upfront by the window.

Now it is just me and Kristy. I can see mom in the window. I see her crying. Than it makes me think of all those bags. What if I never see her again. What if Daddy doesn’t like pink ruffle dresses and curly cotton candy hair. Me and Kristy start to cry.

Asylum

reasonforasylum

Well here I am again. While I think all the nurses and orderlies are really nice, I can’t stand to be here! It’s just not something I can get used to. A hospital stay is so much different from a stay at the “mental health institution”, it’s just different. Mental Health Institution is nicer than what it used to be called; like Insane Asylum, Asylum, Funny Farm, Lunatic Asylum and a host of other slang terms.

The nurses are short-tempered and really just trying to administer the drugs. The anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, mood stabilizer, and mood stimulant medications. So really you are by yourself walking around in circles with the rest of the “Depressed” folks.  What drugs are used to treat depression? By the way “depression” is just a nicer word than Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Autism, Dementia and a host of other terms to describe a person’s mental status. Mental illness is so prevalent I guess it’s good they have just one word. Some of us have ALL of those disorders and more. If you are one of the lucky ones they have some great drugs to be prescribed. Like Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, Cymbalta, and then the cherry to tie it all together Lithium. For a year now I have been heating all of these up with a little electricity; (ECT) Electric Convulsive Therapy just like a little jump-start. I do this 1 to 2 times a week. Makes it hard to have a job ya know.  I guess it’s no wonder I don’t remember why I am here. I truly don’t remember how I got here.  If you don’t know what that is. In the old days if you committed any of the above offenses in the image, they would plug you in, put a halo on your head and light you up. Now they put you to sleep, and then they light you up. My prognosis? None. NO CURE. When things get bad I will get  a little jump-start. Hopefully I won’t end up back here before that happens. I want to help people who may have a loved one with a mental illness or if they themselves have one .

In this Blog you will hear the good the bad and the very ugly side of mental issues.

When I grew up it was not okay to feel or talk about things. I had to keep “mommies secrets” and just shut up and look pretty because no one really cared to hear  from me anyway. I was nothing. I got dealt the bad hand and nothing that happened to me was fair. But here I am Pretty Bananas. I am so tired of keeping quiet I have stuffed for so long and now it is coming out I just can’t stop it.  So let’s do this, empty the trash and have a laugh on the way all while staying pretty.

Can I just say that depression isn’t just feeling “sad” all the time, It’s:

  • not showering for three days straight
  • knowing you have dishes to clean
  • exams to study for, people to talk to but not DOING it
  • always feeling so EXHAUSTED
  • never getting out of bed
  • not being able to sleep
  • having no motivation to do anything EVER
  • hating every single part of yourself
  • recurring thoughts of ending your life
  • no concentration whatsoever
  • Memory??? ha ha ha that sh@t is gone

Stop portraying depression as just feeling “SAD” or “DOWN ” for a couple of days because there’s so much f@#king more to it. My name is Lisa and I am Pretty Bananas and I will tell you the truth about mental health so that maybe some day with enough exposure, there will be a cure, other than prescribing a bunch of different meds. One day I aim to live a drug free life, with no fear of relapse. I hope one day I will live a life with my husband on the farm with cows, plumeria trees and a Murphy too (name of the best dog I had to give up). Yup those will be the good days.